Ok, here’s the thing. We’re sometime into 2021 and I know some of you are already sick of the New Years resolutions. All those daily trips to the gym (wait, gyms are closed…🤔, then where ever you go to workout) and countless hours of training with little progress to show for are getting to you. For years I’ve said that there are no training secrets and that it’s just hard work plus healthy clean eating plus genetics plus time plus few other things eventually would equal to positive results. But it’s time to come clean: I’ve been lying to you. There ARE training secrets. And I truly mean true training secrets. While I’ve decided to tell you those secrets my close peers in fitness and nutrition world will curse me for saying this. They don’t want you to know what I’m about to tell you. Because once you know those secrets they fear that you wont need them anymore. This goes the same for me. Once I tell you what I’m about to tell you, there is no going back and as far as I’m concerned fitness industry might or might not be doomed.
Ok back to the topic; Secrets that are guarded closely by the Illuminatty, and only shared with those who have achieved the 35th degree of Clean Eating. This is where you become so morally pure through your superior life choices (and self-righteously judging all those that don’t follow them) that you can survive on light and air (NOTHING is less processed). You develop the ability to synthesize ATP from sunlight and fix nitrogen from the air like a plant; simply standing outside equals growth at this point. Few achieve it but for those that do, there is no limit.
But having concluded that the Illuminatty is really a false Illuminatty, and that I and only I carry the true word of Arnold, I will now share with you the two most truly powerful training approaches ever yet devised to generate all of the result, mass, strength, symmetry, leanness that you could ever want. Now they aren’t the same alternative training and nutritional theories I introduced you to over the years. Those were an obvious joke. But this time I’m totally seriously, you guys.
Now, don’t ask me for science. Everything I’m about to tell you transcends research. In any case, science doesn’t have all of the answers and I have literally hundreds of emails that support what I’m going to tell you. Don’t even bother Googling for the secrets. They won’t be found on internet. These concepts only exist at the TOP OF THE EVIDENCE PYRAMID (see Figure 1).
Science might catch up a decade or two from now but that is how it goes with the ancient teachings. And with that I introduce you to two, ancient and yet also new, training concepts that you can combine together (or not) to reach the pinnacle of physical perfection.
S.U.P.E.R. Training Secret
The first training secret goes by the acronym of S.U.P.E.R. which stands for Smartphone Undulatory Progressive Exercise and Rest. It is a formalization of what I have seen recently at gyms which is people endlessly dicking around with their smart phones between their half-effort work sets (SUPER can also stand for Smartphone Uselessly Pointless and Extended Rest-intervals). But I am simply formalizing the concept.
Now you may or may not be familiar with the concept of undulating periodization. A current training fad it refers to training types where, rather than focusing on a single repetition range, or moving progressively from one range to another across a training cycle, a combination of repetition ranges are used throughout the week. So you might do 12 repetitions on Monday, 5 repetitions on Wednesday and 8 repetitions on Thursday. Or 5 repetitions, 3 repetitions and 1 maximum repetition. Or whatever. Pick 11’s, 7’s and 3’s to utilize the Power of the Primes for all it matters. Pick a Fibonacci sequence (5’s, 8’s, 13’s for example) to do the Golden Mean workout.
So I recommend that you use the same type of approach with your approach to SUPER. Undulate through the week exactly how you are messing around on your phone when you should be lifting. So Monday make sure to use your phone for 180 seconds between sets. On Wednesday, keep it to 60 seconds. On Friday, 120 seconds. Mix it up, shock the system.
If you don’t like using time, send 12 texts between sets on Monday, 5 texts on Wednesday and 8 texts on Friday or text however many friends you have left since you’re at the gym all the damn time and have become a social pariah. Let your training intuition be your guide here. Wisdom of the body.
Of course, this has to be progressed over time. You might add 10 seconds or one text to each workout per week and when you hit some upper range (i.e. 15 texts Monday, 8 on Wednesday, 11 on Friday), it’s time to increase the INTENSITY of your texts. USE ALL CAPS. More “!!!!” EMOJI!!! I recommend increasing intensity for 3 weeks and then doing nothing but light active recovery texting in the 4th week. Don’t spell out words, use “u” instead of “you” and “4” instead of “for”. Gotta give your thumbs, mind and phone a break for super-compensation to occur. I know that the body can ADAPT TO ANYTHING but you gotta build up gradually to this. This approach not only shocks the system but keeps your smartphone guessing so that adaptation never ceases.
Accumulate your texts, intensify your texts, realize that you spend more time on your phone than training. It is the path to your ultimate perfect body. Now while the S.U.P.E.R. program is perfect on its own, we can make it more perfecter by adding it to a training approach that I have talked about before.
F.A.P. Training Secret
To make S.U.P.E.R. truly shine, I suggest combining it with FAP, which is the Facebook Anabolic Principle. Recent research has clearly found that if you don’t tell Facebook about your training, either before, during or after, you completely lose the anabolic effect.
Forget about calories, forget about protein powders, forget about insulin, forget about multi-vitamins: if you don’t publicly tell everyone that; you are going to or are currently or just CRUSHED your workout or KILLED it or went BEAST MODE, you don’t adapt. You don’t change. You don’t lose fat. You simply won’t progress. Did you know why you don’t see any great bodybuilders out of third world countries? No smartphones to get on Facebook. It’s science.
Now to even increase the effectiveness of FAP you need to make it progressive (add another ‘P’) to achieve FAPP.
Let’s call this, of course, FAPPing and you need to ease into pre-workout FAPPing gradually. What I would recommend is first deciding where to start, like S.U.P.E.R. you have to ease into FAPPing.
Do you want to tell Facebook that you are about to CRUSH your workout? Selfie from the gym while you are CRUSHING your workout or just wait until afterwards to show your swoleness (definition; the state of being swole, ripped, buff. Using it in a sentence; Look at that dude’s swoleness!!!) AFTER you crushed your workout? Pick one and do that for a week or two to build work capacity in broad and modal FAPPing domains. Once you’ve adapted, you can add the other parts of pre-workout FAPPing.
So say you started with the pre-workout FAP, telling Facebook that you are going to the gym (or are in the locker room) and are about to CRUSH your workout or go BEAST MODE. In two weeks, add a post-workout FAP. Post-workout right after you are done that you are drinking your post-workout shake (now obsolete) FAP to let the world know that you just CRUSHED it. Or KILLED it. Or just went BEAST MODE. Mix it up, keep shocking the system with your FAPPing to avoid accommodation. CRUSH it, KILL it, DESTROY it. MANGLE it. MAUL it. Hell, MAUDE it you think you’re bad enough.
Once that gets easy, it’s time to add the third aspect of pre-workout FAPPing, add an intra-workout FAP (I only suggest this for advanced trainees). Take one or two selfies (and of course this can be done as you apply S.U.P.E.R.) during your workout and make an update about how you are currently CRUSHING your workout! (because why would you actually be focusing on, I dunno?) to complete the system. That’s right, to get the maximal effect you need to FAP before, FAP during and FAP after the workout. Now you’re FAPPing. But now you have to be progressive.
You can progress this by going from CRUSHING it or KILLING it to TOTALLY CRUSHING/KILLING or ABSOLUTELY CRUSHING/KILLING it. Beginners go BEASTMODE, you go TOTAL BEASTMODE. But use these sparingly or you may get hurt (or just chafe from excessively intense FAPPing, consider using straps if your grip fails).
Now, when you get to truly elite levels, it’s time to get serious. Now you will need to do a pre-pre workout FAP. Put it about 3 hours out, Instagramming your pre-workout meal and sharing it on FaceBook. If you’re a hot female, Instagram your food/your butt. If you are a dude, do NOT Instagram your butt. Now you’re FAPPing 4 times around your workout.
Finally there is the post-post workout FAP. Two to three hours after you CRUSHED it/KILLED it/went BEASTMODE, again Instagram your food/your butt (women only) and share it to FB. You work hard, everyone should know how dedicated and extreme you are because everyone should care utterly about your workouts and eating habits. It’s science.
By the end of it all you should be FAPPing a minimum of 5 times around every workout for maximum results. FAP 3 hours out, FAP immediately before CRUSHING it, FAP while you are going BEAST MODE, FAP after you got done KILLING It, and FAP again 2-3 hours later to finish things off.
Advanced tactics: You get a slightly more anabolic effect if you add hashtags. #crushedit or #killingit or #beastmode while eating what are really clean foods to show your superior nutritional knowledge. But save that for when you #plateau.
And that’s that.
And now you know the secrets of the Illuminatty:
If you’re not SUPER FAPPing, you’re not going to reach your goals.
‘NUFF SAID! #beawesome